Episode 8 Private Confessional

The first thing I'm going to bring up is, well, a suggestion that could potentially keep the game from suffering any breaches on its integrity, lol. Since you have all our passwords to the blogger account, and you're currently the only person who can access executed player accounts, it MIGHT be a good idea to log into Ginger's blogger account to be able to edit her blog and to remove the tagboard. Things look like they've been dangerously on the cusp of possible communication from players out of the game, and especially now that Elise brought up the fact that she believes an executed player sent her porn spam to her e-mail, it could be a good idea. I'd imagine that the possiblities of a breach of this sort would be even more likely after the next execution when the game is at the final round, and people are itching to yell at The Mole or whatever (which is totally immature, by the way, and it has happened in the past games I played, and it was always so infuriating and unnecessary). Ginger really shouldn't have even been able to put an application on her blog that opened the window for outside communication (and it looks like other players besides me are looking at it, because apparently Blaise is exchanging comments with whoever the heck "SUPERSALAD" is).

Paul, I know that you believed that nobody thought that you were The Mole, but well, you were wrong, haha. Despite your lack of sabotage, I always considered your behavior suspicious. It wasn't until last round that I finally re-evaluated things and decided there was no way a Mole would be as helpful as you had been so far. But you definitely had me going, with several things, including what happened with the question you answered correctly at the first live challenge, then the whole issue with your favorite color (which I STILL don't understand, and I can't wait to get the explanation at the finale), and most recently, the whole "money money" thing, which was quite shady. I had to take a risk, though, and on the last quiz, by going 100% for Elise as The Mole, I scored only 1 point on you, and I certainly hesitated before clicking "send," but I had to take the risk.

Elise told me that she got porn spam in her e-mail, and sad as it sounds, this doesn't surprise me in the least bit. Immaturity from executed players is a very common thing in these games. She claims that it is Paul, though, which I don't think is accurate, because Paul may have whined about challenges, but you have to be really immature to do something like sending someone porn spam, and Paul certainly isn't an immature person. He may have had a stick up his ass as far as the challenges were concerned, but he's not immature. If anything, this looks more like something Breaux, Ginger or Mitch may have done. Maybe one of them saw Paul's execution, and they've deduced based on whatever their quiz scores were that Elise is The Mole, so they're being childish sore losers and sending her that (I have to say I really would be disappointed if it turns out it's Breaux doing this, because I think he's better than that). It's because of all of this, though, that it really may be a good idea to just get rid of the tagboard. If you get executed, you should DEAL with it, and wait for the finale, and even AT the finale, you really shouldn't spew insults at The Mole – he/she was just fulfilling a role.

Elise said that she traced the IP address to the porn spam she got, and that it would indicate that Paul is from New Jersey (or from Hicksville, New York, ROFL!!!!), which I don't think is correct because, as I mentioned in an earlier private confessional, the fact that Paul uses googlemail and not gmail is already hard evidence of the fact that he's from the UK (let alone all of the evidently British expressions he'd use, such as "oh my word" and "I cocked up that challenge"). So, I suppose that this person who apparently lives in New Jersey (or in Hicksville!) and sent her this would be someone like Breaux, Ginger or Mitch. I mean, actually, as the host, you probably know their IP addresses since you have everyone's e-mails, so I imagine that maybe you'd be able to investigate that, though I guess that if Elise is The Mole, she'd know them as well. Speaking of that, if she has my IP address from my accessing the gmail account from my home and work computers and my blackberry, and she has traced them as she said she was doing with that of whoever sent her the spam, I suppose she's discovered that, like Paul, I'm not from the U.S. either. And yes, I know I indicated in my initial application that I was from Boston, and actually, that's technically true, because that's where I lived the whole time that I was in college, until I graduated a few months ago. I've just had experiences in the past in which hosts have been skeptical about selecting someone not from the U.S. (and you obviously weren't, since you cast Paul as a player as well), so I just preferred to say that, especially since Boston had been the place I lived in for such a long while recently (and that's actually where I'm headed today, until Monday).

I'm really glad that the gamble with Blaise paid off. If I had allowed him to get that exemption last round and then had gotten executed, I would've regretted it so much, lol. He's definitely been good to work with, and the only frustrating thing is obviously the uncertainty of whether or not he or I or both have actually succeeded at getting others to think we're The Mole. You'd figure we have, considering we made it here, but I actually wouldn't be surprised if everyone has thought it's Brian (which would actually suck because it'd mean the kid won't stop gloating at the finale about how many people he fooled, bleh). I'm glad that at least Blaise decided to sacrifice himself at the challenge, because I just… I couldn't bring myself to do it. The paranoia was telling me that getting killed would make me ineligible for a possible exemption, and I just couldn't do it. The severely annoying Brian was privately messaging me asking me to sacrifice myself because he and Blaise had the most lives. If I didn't have to exercise restraint for the purposes of looking suspicious, I would've gone ahead and said "FUCK YOU" right then and there. I have to admit, though, that Blaise spoke the wisest words of the night when he said "Brian, they just don't trust you with the money!" I think that, at that point, Elise and I were both like "THANK YOU", lol.

In past confessionals, I've referred to Brian as being dumb. I don't retract any of those comments because there's definitely been instances in which he's been terribly dumb: his rationale about the game in terms of the people who he claims were active at the beginning and burned out is completely laughable, his ideas about challenges and pot money being so important are misplaced, his idolizing people like Ellery and Kyle is ridiculous, and the moves he made in the Mafia game were beyond asinine. With that being said, though, I'll give Brian credit for several things. I DID suspect him a lot during the first half of the game, prior to the Mafia challenge. At the very start of the game, I thought he was playing the Craig role of being the funny, lovable guy of the group. And the fact that Elise picked him to be Mafia alongside her probably means that she did it because he was the top suspect, and so she could make him look more suspicious AND possibly get him an exemption to ensure he'd stick around longer. From what Brian has said, it's also evident that Elise HAS been on his suspect list for a while (I just can't get a gander as to who he suspects most out of myself, Blaise and Elise, and that may just be the crucial factor that determines the next execution). He even rightly pointed out that Elise would be a great Mole because her angry demeanor is a great non-Mole persona, and he's absolutely right about that. He's also managed to make it to the final 4, so the kid really can't be that dumb. And he isn't. He's just done some dumb things, which even smart people do all the time. Oh, and he's really good at playing rock/paper/scissors, apparently… good for him, I suppose.

I have to admit that I was totally frightened throughout the painfully long live challenge. I was extremely scared that any move I made could possibly yield Blaise or Brian an exemption, which is exactly why I was so reluctant to give Brian anything (lives, money, or whatever)… of course, when Brian starts yelling "GIMME UR MONEY RITE NOW!!!!" severe annoyance also becomes part of my reasoning in not wanting to cooperate with him. I mean, honestly, the way he says that, it sounds like he was fucking pointing a gun at us and robbing us of our money. He just lacks so much tact, and the logic he comes up for things is often so convoluted, and I'm sorry, but I've had it up to here with him. I'd give anything to have Breaux, or heck, even Paul, take his place in the final 4 (heck, I'd even prefer Ginger or Mitch – they were loud and both did shady things, but at least they were entertaining, which is the complete opposite of what Brian is). With all of this being said, though, I have to admit that another problem I had was that I think I understood, um… oh, about 40% of the challenge, lol. Everything having to do with the fire and the hose and the gas and the valve, I had NOOOO clue what was going on. Thank God that I didn't screw anything up too badly with my ignorance, though - I wanted to try to LOOK like I knew what I was doing because The Mole would know what they're doing, but there were just times that I had to display my confusion and ask what was going on because I really had no idea. It was definitely a GREAT challenge, it's just, well… if you do an OMC 7, you should probably pray you get someone who's slightly smarter than me to take part in it, lol. I suppose you started doing the countdowns because it had already taken longer than it perhaps was expected, and I think it was a good idea, as much as it made things even more difficult and nerve-wracking.

The puzzle boxes challenge… sigh. Okay, Elise, I have no idea whether or not there really is an actual exemption there, and if there is, I have NO clue whether or not you actually WERE trying to help me or whether or not you'd even actually want me to win an exemption, lol. But I understand your going offline and saying "I'm going to leave you on your own." If you were trying to clue me into something, there was really only so much you could do because you're obviously not going to give away your identity or go out of your way to help me. And you shouldn't. As with the live challenge, though… I just have to admit that I'm really, really bad at this stuff. I've honestly tried. I think that maybe when we were talking last night you got the impression that I wasn't trying. But I REALLY have tried ever since I've had all the clues in my power, and I honestly don't know. You see, I do consider myself good at this game in the sense of assessing behavior and observing what people do, and determine who might or might not be The Mole, and that's the MAIN goal of this game, so I guess it's great that I'm good at that, but I'm not good at all at these labyrinthine challenges that wrack your brain. The reason for that is that I'm really not an intelligent person. You probably think that's just low self-esteem talking, but no, it's true. Observant and attentive? Yes. Intelligent? No. It's as simple as that. You also have to understand that, when you're not the host or The Mole, there's so much information that you don't have, and it can lead to so many paranoid thoughts of possible scenarios. Today's gonna be a busy day for me (which is why I actually wrote the majority of this private confessional several days ago), and I already know I'm probably not gonna have enough time to solve it. With my luck, I bet that when I get off the plane and check the game website, it'll already be updated saying that either Blaise or Brian has an exemption, and I'll be like "oh, cool… red screen coming up for me." I do get the impression, though, that you may have wanted to see me get the exemption (if there is one), and I am really glad and thankful for that, and if it turns out that you gave me what was supposed to be a really helpful clue and I didn't notice it, I promise I'll kick myself a bunch of times, and you'll have every right to call me on my incompetence at the reunion, lol. To my credit, though, last night I was just really exhausted after the live challenge and couldn't even think, and now today, I don't exactly have a heck of a lot of time, so it's not like I have much of an advantage either. Oh well.

Yes, I HAVE said it every single time, but I do think my time has come. Even if an exemption isn't won, I feel like I'm going to screw a question up, and if it IS won then it's basically guaranteed that I'm leaving. The only consolation I have is that I did not only make it really far, but I beat a lot of people I didn't think I would beat (Ginger and Paul are examples). Also, it'd mean that it'll only be a few days until the end of the game (Ginger got executed almost a month ago – I can't IMAGINE having had to wait that long). I think that Blaise and Elise have been great in this game, and I won't feel much shame in losing to either of them. I really like both of them a lot, and I really hope that my relationship with both of them ends up lasting more than just a few minutes after this game is over. But it really will pain me a lot to lose to Brian. In fact, there's a lot of people who probably didn't deserve to go before him, so it could very well happen to me as well. I can't say I'll offer many congratulations to him if he wins this game. I know that this game isn't necessarily about who "deserves" this and that, but I don't really think he deserves anything, and I'm sorry for sounding so harsh. If I do leave, I'll be at the reunion rooting for Blaise to win and shutting up anyone who has bad things to say about Elise (as I said, as someone who's been The Mole, I know what it's like to get inexplicably badmouthed for doing things you HAD to do, as it was part of the role you were playing). This quiz is pivotal. And I really don't want to leave. But it may be out of my hands.